Helming thoughts

An early morning drive along the mountains is exhilarating. It used to, but not now.I am bemused on what is life all about. A dear one’s death’s trauma distort an ebullient person into mercurial and morbid . Many questions popped on as I drive in the beautiful countryside. Why am I fighting so hard against all odds? What is the point? Why am I not happy?

I think about the period when I was completely happy and satisfied. Those were the days when I had someone, who loved me unconditionally. Currently he must be fighting with yemdarma (God of death) for taking him away from me. Love can make people happy. But when that doesn’t last for life time then it has to be something else.

As I cross a beautiful field, I see kids playing in water . These ebullient kids takes me to my profound memories. I was happy with them. To be more precise I was happy that made them happy. I loved me more that made them love me. But why did I stop loving me when they left ? Not to be eccentric, I used to love me a lot. So yes that the solution I should do that.

Although I will be able to love myself like I used to, deep down losing my loved one has marked a deep scar. How to overcome that? Being uncanny and envisaging his presence is not helping me. I cherish all the memories with him. Is it helping me grow or motivate me or keeping me happy? My heart reluctantly shouts no. Change is unavoidable and I still loath it. Shifting from comfort zone has got me here. It’s high time I stop defying the truth that he won’t come back I will not be able to be happy. True happiness lies within and stay that way ever.

I reached the farm house by the time my hail of thoughts mend. A small girl came running towards me with a big smile to get her Diwali gift. I said to myself “ Start living the moment and make memories of you”.

Dream

When God had shoved me from the edge of the cliff, I evolved into an eagle and started flying up high. Now I have to build a nest, develop skills to fly higher and become the queen of bird kingdom. Indeed a dream is what changes a sparrow to an eagle.

Someone said ” Dreams don’t let you sleep”, I never felt that before like now. Until may 1st my biggest dream was to have a beautiful, happy family.Many things has changed since then. Now, my aspiration is immense.  Of course, I am going to have a beautiful family, but here I am the queen, and not just inside the house. I crave to reach heights in both social and personal life.

I dream to be the empress, who inspires people, who is strong economically, and who decorates others life with happiness too.  Likewise,I want to create organisation or trust or some form of group that works to help people.  Obviously, an Empire is not built in a day. There are lots of milestones to cross and I have all the time in the world to do that, because I decided to live, like a queen of the bird kingdom.

Once my husband asked” what is your dream?”. I wish I had the same answer then.