An early morning drive along the mountains is exhilarating. It used to, but not now.I am bemused on what is life all about. A dear one’s death’s trauma distort an ebullient person into mercurial and morbid . Many questions popped on as I drive in the beautiful countryside. Why am I fighting so hard against all odds? What is the point? Why am I not happy?
I think about the period when I was completely happy and satisfied. Those were the days when I had someone, who loved me unconditionally. Currently he must be fighting with yemdarma (God of death) for taking him away from me. Love can make people happy. But when that doesn’t last for life time then it has to be something else.
As I cross a beautiful field, I see kids playing in water . These ebullient kids takes me to my profound memories. I was happy with them. To be more precise I was happy that made them happy. I loved me more that made them love me. But why did I stop loving me when they left ? Not to be eccentric, I used to love me a lot. So yes that the solution I should do that.
Although I will be able to love myself like I used to, deep down losing my loved one has marked a deep scar. How to overcome that? Being uncanny and envisaging his presence is not helping me. I cherish all the memories with him. Is it helping me grow or motivate me or keeping me happy? My heart reluctantly shouts no. Change is unavoidable and I still loath it. Shifting from comfort zone has got me here. It’s high time I stop defying the truth that he won’t come back I will not be able to be happy. True happiness lies within and stay that way ever.
I reached the farm house by the time my hail of thoughts mend. A small girl came running towards me with a big smile to get her Diwali gift. I said to myself “ Start living the moment and make memories of you”.